Evolutionary Astrology

When we meet someone new, it's natural to feel excitement, butterflies, and deep emotional connection. These are signs that we are opening ourselves to the possibility of love. However, the intensity of these initial feelings can sometimes lead us to become easily swept up in attraction, blinding us to potential warning signs or red flags. It’s easy to fall into a state of naivety or wishful thinking, convincing ourselves that everything is perfect or that we can overlook discrepancies because of our longing for connection.

Proactively checking for red flags means cultivating awareness and honesty about what we observe, rather than dismissing or minimizing concerning behaviors. It’s about balancing openness with vigilance, allowing ourselves to feel excited but also listening to our intuition and questioning what might be hidden beneath the surface.

Building genuine trust takes time and needs to be earned through consistent, healthy behaviour. Recognizing early warning signs isn’t about fear or distrust; it’s about protecting our well-being and creating space for genuine, healthy love to flourish. Staying present and aware helps us avoid falling into denial or the trap of idealizing someone who isn’t truly the right fit.

Remember that it’s not worth selling yourself short for someone who is embodying these signs. If you say ‘no’ to that kind of treatment you send a powerful signal to the Universe that you’re ready for something better, allowing a new reality to automatically form around you.

Sometimes, red flags appear as subtle cues, like consistent lateness, evasiveness, or condescension, that may seem minor at first but are signs of deeper issues. Everyone has flaws, you don’t need to ask for perfection. However, it is important to spot patterns that threaten your well-being or signal a mismatch of values early. Here are some key red flags:

Disrespect and dismissiveness

Beyond momentary rudeness, consistent disregard for your feelings, opinions, or boundaries signals a lack of respect. For example, dismissing your needs or belittling your opinions, even subtly, erodes trust and mutual regard, which are foundational for healthy connection.

Controlling or coercive behavior

This isn’t just about telling you what to do, but an underlying desire to dominate or restrict your independence. Signs include attempts to isolate you from friends and family, frequent questioning about your whereabouts, or pushing you into decisions. Over time, this can escalate into emotional or even physical control.

Manipulation or Guilt-Tripping

Making you feel guilty, confused, or responsible for their feelings or problems.

Dishonesty and gaslighting

Repeated lies, hiding important truths, or subtly manipulating your perception of reality through gaslighting (invalidating or denying your experience) are serious red flags. They undermine your confidence and create confusion, making you doubt your perceptions and feelings.

Excessive jealousy and possessiveness

While mild jealousy can sometimes be normal, persistent suspicion, accusations without cause, or attempts to monitor your interactions are unhealthy. They serve to diminish your sense of freedom and foster a sense of ownership, not partnership.

Lack of accountability or responsibility

Someone who refuses to admit fault, blames others for their problems, or makes endless excuses shows a lack of maturity and respect. This pattern prevents real growth and honesty in the relationship.

Mood swings and emotional unpredictability

Extreme fluctuations in mood, silent treatments, or sudden bursts of anger, especially if disproportionate to the situation, signal emotional instability. This can leave you walking on eggshells and feeling unsafe.

Consistent boundary violations

Ignoring or pushing past your clearly communicated boundaries, such as oversharing, pressuring you into things you’re uncomfortable with, or insisting on decisions, indicates a disregard for your autonomy.

Disinterest in your well-being

A pattern of neglecting your needs, dismissing your concerns, or showing indifference to your emotional or physical health suggests a lack of empathy and compassion essential for a supportive partnership.

Persistent avoidance or silence

Avoiding difficult conversations, stonewalling, or disappearing without explanation can be a tactic to avoid accountability or confrontation, leaving issues unresolved and creating emotional distance.

How to deal with red flags

Trust Your intuition and observations

Pay close attention to your feelings and instincts. Whether it’s inconsistency, dismissiveness, controlling behavior, or dishonesty, if something feels off, take it seriously. Trust your gut as an early warning system.

Gather clarity through observation

Reflect on whether the concerning behavior is a one-time issue or part of a pattern. Take note of specific instances, rather than jumping to conclusions. This helps you address the issue grounded in facts.

Communicate respectfully and assertively

When you notice a red flag, address it calmly and honestly. Use “I” statements to express how it affects you without blaming. For example:  “When I noticed you didn’t respond to my messages, I felt uncertain about where we stand. Can you tell me what’s going on?”

Ask open-ended questions

Encourage dialogue and understanding. Instead of accusations, ask questions that invite reflection:  “Can you help me understand what happened there?”, “How do you see this situation?” This can reveal more about their intentions and mindset.

Set and Reinforce Boundaries

Again, be clear about what is acceptable to you and stand firm. If certain behaviors persist, reaffirm your boundaries and consider whether they are willing to respect them. Consistency is key.

Observe reactions and patterns

Notice how they respond. Do they dismiss your concerns, become defensive, or dismiss your feelings? Repeated dismissals or manipulative responses are warning signs.

Trust the process, not the immediate response

Sometimes, addressing a red flag directly may lead to a reaction of defensiveness or denial. That’s okay. Observe whether they are willing to reflect, apologize, or change. Genuine change takes time.

Know when to walk away

If red flags persist despite your efforts, or if the behavior is damaging to your emotional health, it’s essential to prioritize your safety and well-being. Walking away is sometimes the healthiest choice.

Healthy relationships are built on mutual respect, honesty, emotional safety, and the ability to grow together. If red flags appear, giving yourself permission to step back, set firm boundaries, or walk away is a vital act of self-love and preservation.

EXERCISE

Red flags journal  

~ It might seem a little much but really it can save you from potentially years of grief and heartache. It’s well known that our memory distorts things tremendously. By keeping a dedicated journal or text file to observe patterns and identify recurring concerning behaviors, you can build an honest representation of aspects of your connection that make you uncomfortable or raise concern (even if minor). Note in detail: what happened, how it made you feel, and why it concerns you. At the end of each week, review your entries. Look for patterns or behaviors that repeat. Are there red flags that consistently emerge? Are certain concerns dismissed or minimized?

Safety and respect check-in

~ Ask yourself questions like

• Do I feel respected?

• Do I feel safe expressing my feelings?

• Are my boundaries being honored?

• Is honesty maintained?

• Do I trust this person?

Regularly rate each area on a scale of 1-10. Low scores or recurring red flags signal concerning patterns.

Deciding when to walk away

~ Trust your intuition and personal limits. Recognize you can’t fix everything. Ask yourself: “Am I feeling increasingly anxious, drained, or unsafe?” Your gut feeling and emotional state are crucial indicators. If consistent discomfort persists despite efforts to address it, it’s a sign to consider ending the relationship.

~ Set a ‘Decision Date’. Commit to observing progress over a set period (e.g., 2-4 weeks). During this time, address red flags directly and note the responses. If they remain unchanged or worsen, or if your feelings of unease intensify, it’s time to decide.

~ Trust yourself when making the final call. The decision to walk away should be rooted in self-respect, safety, and emotional health.