Chapter 5: Death
One of the biggest challenges in finding love is navigating confusing push-pull dynamics in dating and early relationships.
Often, one person seeks closeness and connection, while the other creates distance or pulls away. The "push" phase involves showing interest, affection, or vulnerability, while the "pull" involves withdrawing, becoming unresponsive, or creating barriers. This repetitive pattern can create confusion, frustration, and emotional rollercoastering, making it difficult to establish trust and stability.
Fear of intimacy
As we’ve already touched on, fear of intimacy often arises from past wounds, vulnerability, or experiences of rejection and betrayal. When we have unresolved emotional pain or insecure attachment patterns, opening our hearts feels risky because it exposes us to potential hurt, abandonment, or shame. This fear becomes a protective mechanism, causing us to keep parts of ourselves guarded or distant.
Interestingly, as people start to care more about someone and build deeper connections, this fear can intensify rather than lessen. The more we invest emotionally, the greater the perceived risk of losing that person or being hurt. Our subconscious may react by increasing anxiety, self-sabotage, or pulling away, because the vulnerability feels overwhelming or frightening. This creates a paradox: the more we want closeness, the more our fear amplifies, making us withdraw to protect ourselves from potential pain.
This fear worsens when attachments are unhealed or when there’s a lack of trust in our own ability to be safe and loved. It can also trigger old trauma responses, where intimacy feels like an invitation for rejection or abandonment.
Narcissism
Push-pull dynamics often become intensified within narcissistic relationships and it can be very helpful to spot them early. In these cases, someone with narcissitic tendencies may start with intense ‘love-bombing’ during the "push" phase, showering their partner with attention, love, or compliments, fueling hope and attachment. Then, suddenly, they withdraw, criticize, or become distant. This is the "pull," which triggers feelings of inadequacy, guilt, or longing in the partner.
Rooted in the narcissist's need for control, validation, and dominance, the fluctuating treatment manipulates the partner's emotions, keeping them desperate for approval and trying harder to earn love. The vulnerable partner often becomes caught in a cycle of trying to fix or win back the narcissist’s affection, believing that if they change or do better, the cycle will stop.
For the victim, this cycle can cause confusion, emotional exhaustion, and a distorted view of love, believing that love is about constant effort and rollercoaster intense feelings. Recognizing this pattern is crucial. Healing involves understanding that the narcissist’s push-pull is a form of manipulation, and establishing firm boundaries or perhaps no further contact. Building self-worth and inner stability helps break the cycle, empowering us to detach from the chaos and seek healthier, balanced relationships rooted in mutual respect. If you suspect you might be in a narcissitic relationship it’s good to seek professional help.
Healing through responsibility
To break free from the push-pull cycle at any stage of a relationship, awareness is key. It’s empowering and transformational when we recognize our own part in the equation. While it might feel like the problem is coming from the other person, in reality, this cycle often results from underlying fears, insecurities, or unresolved attachment issues on both sides. To find ourselves in this dynamic with someone at all shows there’s something there that’s looking to heal, and we’re unconsciously attracting this type of relationship in order to learn how to deal with it and transcend it. The triggers and emotions underlying push-pull patterns help us understand our own fears and needs.
Cultivating self-awareness and inner security allows us to communicate more honestly and set healthy boundaries. Building a sense of emotional stability within ourselves encourages more consistent, authentic connections, free from the chaos of push-pull dynamics. And ultimately, if we can notice how getting caught up in these dynamics can be a distraction from actually claiming the love we want, we begin to come out of victimhood and into our power around relationships.
EXERCISES
Self-awareness journaling
Write about moments when you experienced push-pull behaviors. Reflect on what triggered your urge to pull away or push someone away. Notice any recurring fears or beliefs such as fear of abandonment or unworthiness and acknowledge them without judgment. This awareness helps you see the pattern clearly.