Chapter 3: The Moon
One of the common traps in love is when we idealize people or potential partners, imagining they’re perfect or exactly what we’ve always wanted. It feels so real when we encounter someone who gives us all the signs of ‘feeling in love’ and it can be so tempting to rush in and believe automatically that they must be ‘the one’ or our ‘twin flame’ or ‘soul mate’.
While this might feel nice at first, it can quickly feel out of control or obsessive, and actually get in the way of finding real love. When we focus too much on an ideal image, we overlook who the person really is, their strengths, flaws, and all. This can keep us stuck in what feels like a trap. We can waste a lot of emotional energy chasing after a dream version of love that doesn’t truly exist.
Infatuation
Infatuation, obsession, and dreaming about someone are common aspects of our human experience. When we become fixated on someone, our minds often replay memories and feelings, creating a cycle that can feel all-consuming, and sometimes can lead us to think we’re ‘meant to be together’.
These thoughts can infiltrate our dreams, where our subconscious works tirelessly to process emotions, desires, and unresolved wounds. Our minds seek understanding and connection, often using dreams as a canvas to explore what we may not fully grasp while awake. Sometimes, these intense feelings and recurring dreams serve as a reminder that we are longing for love, validation, or a sense of belonging. Recognizing this process can help us approach these experiences with compassion, understanding that they are part of our inner journey toward healing and self-awareness. By embracing our feelings and gently working through them, we can find clarity and peace as we move forward on our path of growth.
Projection
When we’re infatuated by someone, this is often a sign of projection. Psychological projection is a mechanism where we unconsciously attribute our own feelings, fears, or insecurities to others. Essentially, we see in others what we’re uncomfortable admitting about ourselves. This can lead us to idealize potential partners, projecting onto them qualities or ideals we wish for or believe we need. We create an image of the “perfect” partner based on our desires and fantasies, rather than seeing them clearly for who they really are.
The irony is, this prevents us from forming genuine connections because we’re more in love with our projected picture than with the real person. It keeps us stuck in illusions, making us overlook red flags or incompatibilities, because we’re more committed to maintaining the ideal than engaging with reality. This pattern often leads to repeated disappointments, as the true person behind the projection doesn’t match the fantasy.
By idealizing partners, we also risk falling into emotional traps, chasing an impossible ideal or staying in unfulfilling situations because we’re afraid to face the truth. Healing from projection involves becoming aware of our own fears and needs, and learning to see others as they truly are: imperfect, complex, and real.
Idealization as a path to healing
So why do we do it? When we long for someone who might be unavailable or idealized however, it’s not ‘wrong’, it’s just a powerful way that Spirit is helping us to grow and heal.
In psychology, shadow work is a process of exploring the parts of ourselves that we usually keep hidden such as our fears, insecurities, wounds, and beliefs we may not be fully aware of. These aspects are often referred to as our "shadow," because they can be unconscious, repressed, or denied. When we catch ourselves idealizing or being infatuated by someone, it’s a valuable moment for shadow work. It’s an opportunity to look beneath the surface and explore what parts of ourselves might be longing for recognition, love, or validation that we haven’t fully given ourselves.
From this, we learn that idealization often masks feelings of insecurity, unhealed wounds, or unmet needs. By facing these feelings, we can begin to heal the parts of ourselves that are craving external validation. It’s a chance to cultivate self-love and accept our imperfections, instead of relying on others to fill that space.
Shadow work teaches us to see the qualities we admire in others as reflections of our own potential. When we do this inner work, we open the door to genuine growth, recognizing that true connection starts with embracing and healing ourselves first. Ultimately, it helps us move from projection and illusion toward honesty, self-awareness, and authentic love. In this way we can discover the real gift that this person is waiting to reveal, which is how WE are are unconsciously seeking to embody the qualities they represent. Through this process, we can find authentic love, rooted in honesty rather than illusion.
We have all idealized someone to some extent or another at some point in our lives so these exercises aren’t about judgement, rather, they’re an opportunity to. heal some important obstacles to love once and for all. For this exercies, you can think of someone now if that feels relevant, or you can think of someone in the past. It might be a romantic connection, or it could also be a friend, a celebrity or a mentor of some kind.
EXERCISE
Self reflection
~ Explore your motivations by asking yourself: What do I hope to gain from this relationship or this person? Are these hopes rooted in unmet needs from my past? Am I seeking validation, safety, or love that I feel I lack within myself? By examining your underlying motivations, you can uncover what emotional gaps you’re trying to fill. Knowing that helps you work toward meeting those needs yourself.
~ Identify the qualities you admire or project. Reflect on: Are these qualities actually present in the person, or am I projecting my ideal image onto them? What specific traits do I admire? Kindness, confidence, humor? In what way are these traits qualities I want to cultivate within myself? This helps you see that many attractive qualities are already within you, waiting to be consciously embraced, rather than solely dependent on someone else.
~ Recognize your own fears and wounds. Ask: What fears or insecurities might be fueling my idealization? Am I afraid of loneliness, abandonment, or not being enough? How does imagining the perfect partner help me avoid these fears temporarily? Acknowledging these fears allows you to gently face them, making space to heal old wounds and develop greater self-acceptance.
~ Notice how idealization affects your emotions and behavior. Reflect on: How do I feel when I think about this person? (e.g., hopeful, anxious, attached). What behaviors or choices am I making based on these feelings? Am I ignoring red flags or warning signs to maintain the illusion? This awareness can help you detach from false images and start seeing the relationship honestly.
Future self visualization
~ Having completed the above self reflection exercise, take some time now to come back into meditation.
~ Settle your breathing, relax your body, and ask your higher self to show you the version of yourself you’re unconsciously trying to become through these emotions in relation to this person. Stay gentle and open to whatever may come to you, be it visions, memories, thoughts, songs, words.
~ You can also more actively fantisize about this version of yourself you’re looking to become. What would you and your life be like if you were to embody all the postive qualties you love about this person and how they make you feel, and overcome all the insecurities? Make your experience as multi-sensory as possible, so you really connect with the feeling, visuals, sounds, tastes and scents of what that would be like.
~ Now relax and take a moment to invite your current self to absorb all those energies, letting yourself be changed into that evolved expression of yourself.