Life as a Mirror

As we’ve already explored, our upbringing, especially during infancy, plays a crucial role in shaping our relationships through our attachment styles.

It also affects how we see ourselves and our worth. Through the consistency, warmth, and responsiveness of parents and caregivers we ideally learn that we are valued, and deserving of love. If these early needs weren’t fully met, whether through neglect, inconsistency, or emotional unavailability, we might grow up feeling unworthy, anxious, or mistrustful of love.

These foundational wounds often continue to influence our self-esteem and how we approach relationships. For example, if we felt unseen or unvalued as children, we might struggle to believe we are lovable or deserving of healthy love as adults. This can lead to patterns like seeking validation externally, settling for less than we deserve, or having difficulty trusting others.

Impact on finding love

These early experiences create internal beliefs, often unconscious, that affect our capacity to give and receive love fully. We can easily unconsiously attract partners who reinforce our low sense of self-worth, either through their emotional unavailability or through treating us badly in other ways. We put up with it because deep down that’s what we feel we ‘deserve’ and it feels normal for us based on how we grew up.

Healing from these wounds involves becoming aware of how childhood shaped our self-worth and working consciously to nurture self-love and trust. When we do this inner work, we create a stronger foundation so that we can attract and sustain genuine, loving relationships rooted in our true worth.

EXERCISE

Reflection and journaling

~ First, identify negative beliefs by paying close attention to your inner dialogue. Common beliefs rooted in childhood might include: “I am unlovable”, “I’m too broken to be loved”, “I don’t deserve happiness.”, “people will leave me.” Write down these core beliefs when they arise.

~ Examine the evidence and ask yourself: Is this belief based on facts or feelings? Are there times when this belief was proven false? What evidence do I have that contradicts this belief?

For example, recall moments when you felt loved, valued, or appreciated, even if you were told otherwise as a child.

~ Challenge the belief with compassion and kindness. You can offer perspectives such as: “It’s understandable I feel this way, given what I experienced.”, “I am learning that I am worthy of love, even if I don’t always see it right now.”, “My childhood wounds don’t define my worth today.” This shifts your inner dialogue from judgment to understanding.

~ Create a new, balanced truth. Transform the old belief into a healthier, truthful statement. For example, from “I am unlovable” to “I am worthy of love, and I am deserving of healthy, caring relationships.” Or from “I don’t deserve happiness” to “Happiness is my right, and I can create it for myself.” Make these affirmations personal and affirming.

~ Reaffirm these new beliefs regularly by saying them aloud or writing them in your journal daily. Over time, this practice rewires your subconscious to accept your worth and dispel old, limiting beliefs.

~ Notice shifts and practice patience. Notice when old beliefs resurface and gently remind yourself of your new truths. Celebrate small wins regularly.