Traditional trauma

Childhood can be difficult for many of us, and to a greater or larger extent we all experience situations that can be traumatic for us. These tend to be one-off shock events that may ‘look’ traumatic from the outside or not, but nonetheless have a huge impact on us, cutting us off from others at a deep level. How traditional trauma shows up in love:

Difficulties trusting your partner, often feeling anxious or suspicious without clear reason
Fear of being emotionally overwhelmed, leading to shutting down or withdrawing to protect yourself
Avoiding intimacy or closeness out of fear of re-experiencing past pain
Struggling with nightmares or intrusive thoughts that distract from connection
Feeling detached or dissociated, making it hard to stay present or fully engaged in love
In essence, trauma related to a specific event can cause fears of betrayal, abandonment, or betrayal, hindering your ability to open fully or feel safe with a partner.

Complex trauma

In addition to this, many of us experience complex trauma from childhood, which is more subtle but equally damaging, and often arises from repeated or prolonged experiences of neglect, abuse (emotional, physical, or sexual), abandonment, or significant loss. Examples of unhealthy parenting or caregiving include:

Emotional neglect or misattunement: Failing to provide emotional warmth, validation, or support. Children may grow up feeling unseen, unworthy, or ashamed of their feelings.

Inconsistent caregiving: Being loving and attentive one moment, then distant or irritable the next. Or withholding attention if the child isn’t ‘being good’. This inconsistency creates confusion and difficulty trusting that their needs will be met.

Overly critical or controlling behavior: Pushy parents who provide constant criticism, perfectionism, self-serving ‘encouragement’ or controlling actions can lead children to feel never good enough and develop low self-esteem.

Emotional unavailability or dismissiveness: Ignoring or dismissing a child's feelings, making them believe their emotions are invalid or shameful.

Physical or verbal abuse: Harmful behaviors such as hitting, yelling, or name-calling can cause deep wounds and confusion about safety and love.

Lack of boundaries or over-involvement: This creates enmeshed relationships where boundaries are blurred can impair a child's ability to develop independence or trust their own feelings.

Covert incest: Where the caregiver treats a child as a confidant, emotional partner, or substitute for an adult relationship.

Parentification: When a child is made to take on roles and responsibilities that belong to an adult, such as caring for siblings, managing household chores, or providing emotional support to parents. The child feels overwhelmed or burdened beyond their years and this can deeply impact the child's development, leading to feelings of guilt, worthlessness, or a sense of having to fix everything.

Narcissistic abuse: When a parent or caregiver consistently centers their own needs, feelings, and perceptions over the child's, often using manipulation, emotional neglect, or criticism to fulfill their own ego. This can involve behaviors like gaslighting, blame-shifting, invalidating the child's feelings, or making the child feel responsible for the parent’s emotional state.

This kind of upbringing can leave deep scars, such as feelings of worthlessness, confusion about reality, or believing that love is conditional. Children may grow up feeling they are never good enough or constantly needing to earn love and approval. These wounds can impact their self-esteem, trust in others, and ability to set healthy boundaries in adult relationships.

Abandonment or neglect of basic needs: Failing to provide essentials like food, safety, or affection, leading to feelings of worthlessness or deep-seated fears of abandonment.

These behaviors, especially when chronic, can cause children to internalize feelings of unworthiness, mistrust, or fear of intimacy. These wounds are often carried well into adulthood, affecting relationships and self-worth.

How complex trauma shows up in love:

Persistent trust issues, making it hard to believe someone truly cares or is reliable
Emotional volatility or difficulty managing feelings, leading to misunderstandings or conflicts
Repeating patterns like pushing partners away or over-relying on them for validation
Deep fear of abandonment or engulfment: either clinginess or emotional withdrawal, creating unstable dynamics
Chronic loneliness or feelings of being fundamentally unworthy of love
Difficulty establishing boundaries, leading to boundaries being crossed or feeling overwhelmed in relationships
Fluctuating self-esteem: feeling lovable one day, unworthy the next, depending on relationship dynamics

While healing from childhood trauma requires patience and often professional support, doing this inner work paves the way for healthier, more secure relationships. By understanding these roots, we can gently break free from patterns that keep love at a distance and cultivate authentic connection rooted in self-worth and trust.

EXERCISES

There are many wonderful techniques and trauma healing practices available, and to tackle deep-seated or complex trauma it’s important to also seek external support in the form of a therapist or other holistic practitioners such as breathwork coaches, Emotional Freedom Technique or EMDR therapists, hypnotherapists, somatic experiencing facilitators and more.

In addition to the techniques offered in the first section of this Program and the inner child and self worth work we’ve explored, here are other supportive practices.

Body Scan Meditation

~ Trauma can be held in the body in layers, with complete unconsciousness being the deepest layer, but then numbness and apathy being slightly more available.

~ Come into meditation, take some time to ground and settle. Allowing the breath to settle into a gentle rhythm. Cultivate your sense of safety.

~ Now begin successively tensing and relaxing each part of your body, working from your toes up the body, and feeling all the sensations in each part as you work your way up.

~ Notice particularly areas where your attention ‘skips’ over without really connecting. This is unconsciousness. Return to it gently, or if that feels ‘unsafe’ or uncomfortable see if you can get close to that area. Pause there and gently breathe. Don’t force anything.

~ Notice also sensations of numbness, ‘not feeling anything’, or emotions of feeling like ‘it’s not working’, or ‘it’s not worth it’. Wanting to check out and drowsiness or drifting are also characteric sensations to be aware of as we clear these layers of trauma. Stick with it, being attentive to all these sensations.

~ Allow other sensations to surface as well, such as anger, shame or grief.

~ Bit by bit, through connecting with your body, you will gradually unravel stored trauma in your system.

Gentle Movement

~ Engage in gentle exercises like yoga, tai chi, or walking in nature to release stored tension.

~ Focus on moving slowly and mindfully, tuning into sensations and sensations to reconnect with your body’s safety signals.

Self Reflection

Here are some reflective questions to help you identify signs of trauma or complex trauma:

Signs of Traditional Trauma

Flashbacks or intrusive memories of a specific traumatic event
Nightmares or disturbed sleep related to trauma memories
Sudden feelings of panic, fear, or helplessness
Physical sensations like tension, pain, or numbness when reminded of the trauma
Avoidance of people, places, or situations associated with the traumatic event
Anxiety or hyperarousal, such as difficulty concentrating or exaggerated startle response
Feeling disconnected or dissociated from the present moment during reminders of the event

Signs of Complex Trauma

Persistent difficulties trusting others, especially in close relationships
Emotional dysregulation: feeling overwhelmed, anxious, or numb frequently
Chronic feelings of shame, guilt, or worthlessness
Repeating unhealthy relationship patterns (e.g., pushing loved ones away, seeking validation excessively)
Difficulties with boundaries or frequent boundary violations
Dissociation or feeling "not fully here" over a long period of time
Deep-seated fears of abandonment or engulfment that influence relationships
Chronic feelings of loneliness, emptiness, or feeling like an outsider
Fluctuating moods, identity disturbances, or a fractured sense of self

Reflecting on these signs and symptoms can help you gain awareness of where unresolved trauma may lie.

Following your Instincts