Finding your Flow

Moving from people-pleasing to setting healthy boundaries in dating is a crucial step toward creating authentic and respectful connections. In the early stages of dating, it’s common to want to impress or gain approval, often at the expense of our true needs and feelings. While it may feel like kindness, eagerness to please, or help to avoid discomfort from being fully authenctic, this approach can quickly lead to imbalance, resentment, and losing sight of who we genuinely are.

Learning to set healthy boundaries in dating means recognizing our worth and understanding that our needs, emotions, and limits are just as valid as those of potential partners. It involves shifting from seeking validation or acceptance from the other person to trusting ourselves and our instincts. By clearly communicating what feels right and safe for us, we create space for relationships built on honesty, respect, and mutual care.

This transition takes courage and self-awareness, but it empowers us to attract partners who appreciate us for who we truly are. As we move from people-pleasing to setting boundaries, we foster healthier dynamics, ones that support our growth, protect our well-being, and allow love to develop in an authentic, balanced way.

Boundaries

Boundaries are the limits we set for ourselves to define what is acceptable and healthy in our interactions with others. They serve as a way to protect our emotional well-being, honor our needs, and maintain respect in relationships. Boundaries can be emotional, physical, mental, or spiritual, and they help create a safe space where we can be authentic and feel valued.

Setting boundaries involves clearly understanding our own needs and limits, then communicating them assertively and kindly to others. It requires self-awareness to recognize when our boundaries are being crossed and the courage to express ourselves without guilt or apology. Effective boundaries are about honoring ourselves while also respecting others’ boundaries, fostering honesty and mutual respect.

EXERCISES

Boundaries for dating

~ To set boundaries, start by reflecting on what feels right and what doesn’t for you. Practice stating your boundaries in a calm, respectful way, using “I” statements to express your feelings and needs. Be consistent and willing to reaffirm your limits as needed. Remember, boundaries are a sign of self-respect and an essential aspect of healthy relationships they help us create connections based on trust, authenticity, and mutual care.

Practice mindful dating

~ When you are connecting with others, see if you can slow down, or even take a couple of extra ‘bathroom breaks’ just to connect with your emotions and come back to centre.

~ Notice where you are holding back your true feelings, people-pleasing, giving power away by pandering to their needs or ego, or pretending to be a certain way or believe a certain thing in order to ‘protect’ the other person somehow from who we truly are.

~ Ask yourself, “What discomfort are you trying to avoid by compensating in this way?” How are your fears around being single causing you to betray yourself in small or potentially costly ways? See if instead you can calmy and kindly redirect things back in line with your own needs and priorities.

~ As you engage with them, see if you can maintain a degree of awareness within yourself. Remember to stay grounded and conscious of your body, breathing and emotional reations. This is possible in any moment and doesn’t need to be a distraction.

Oath to yourself

~ This is a powerful technique if you truly feel like you’re ready to commit to new behaviours. It might sting a little but take some time to reflect on areas where you may have betrayed yourself in the past through people pleasing or insufficient boundaries in the past. Stay gentle and compassionate as you explore perhaps any sexual experiences where you didn’t feel fully comfortable, or even just spending too much time with someone who you didn’t like or activities that don’t align with your values. Recognise the feelings of these experiences when things are '"off”.

~ Be sure to take the time to forgive yourself for any self-betrayals. We are always learning and growing, and all your past actions brought you to where you are today: able to recognize and heal these patterns for good.

~ From these experiences you can determine some key values you would like to uphold going forward, and ways you would like to honour yourself, your body and your time differently. Use this to craft one or a few powerful oaths that you can truly commit to.

~ Once you have prepared them, write them on a nice piece of paper and bury it somewhere special. This will help to make it more concrete.

~ Be sure to remind yourself of your oaths regularly and stick to them. You will notice you begin to attract new people who naturally have more respect for you.